silvius' Journal

A brief update on the goings-on in Patworld lately:

I just applied for a full-time degree program with Phoenix to wrap up a BS in Business Communications. It's not my ultimate goal but it will be a healthy resume pad as I try to get a better job.

I contacted PSU's registrar and determined that Spring 2011 is the earliest I can register for Academic Renewal. That will mean a clean slate. No existing GPA, a full allotment of Add/Drop credits, and all the benefits of studenthood. Plus, every course I got a C or better in will continue to count toward my credit total and my graduation requirements. I should have roughly 80 credits under the belt from my previous time at PSU. Plus, I can bring over the credits I earn at Phoenix in the intervening time. So I should have 120-ish hopefully, meaning it will only be a matter of taking specific high-level required courses to wrap up my English major. I believe I'm only one course away from the French minor but if I'm already going back, I may try to bump that up to another major anyway. It may take me a total of 9 years to complete my baccalaureate career, but when I'm done following the current plan, I'll have three degrees under my belt. I'll have BizCom as a resume buff but not have to abandon my dream of an English degree.

I found a huge anime sale at BestBuy, another one online, and a co-worker was cleaning her collection out and dumped several DVDs on anyone who would take them. Almost overnight my anime collection has become quite respectable and I have basically every show I really like. This is very exciting as I'm getting Steph into the hobby, and soon enough move-out time will arrive and I will have even less disposable income to make such purchases.

I'm still powering away at Street Fighter but I've had enough schoolwork and travel to DE that I haven't gotten much done in it this week. Later tonight I'm going to give it a go when I finish posting my homework for class.

Things are going well. Much of my earlier frustration stemmed from having so many question marks ahead. I'm doing my best to knock them down one by one and then it's a matter of patience rather than uncertainty, and I'm much better at patience.

In a note of impatience, I think my parents are going to get me part of a laptop (they pay it down, I pay back 2/3 over time) for my birthday but get it early so I can put it to use on school right away! I'm excited to have the option to work more easily around or outside the house and at work. I don't think I'm going to subscribe to the store's wifi but I can still write in word and copy it to the forums when I get home. I LOVE my desktop setup very hard but I don't like spending all my time at the same little desk.

Due to complete lack of machismo, the previous entry has been excised and replaced with a picture of a sexy asian girl.

Here she is in traditional maid/cheerleader/tennis coach Rocawear ensemble posing with a standard Japanese meal of oddly-flavored Doritos.

An excellent weekend all around! I figure while I'm here waiting for the lady to call and let me know she got home okay, I'll do a little recap.

She came up early, Thursday evening. Didn't arrive until very late and we ended up getting... occupied and missing karaoke. Oops! ^_-.

Friday we headed down to her neck of the woods pretty early. I don't know why but I was totally exhausted and ended up napping through her entire pre-concert preparation. That was probably a good thing as I tend to get the "I'm sharing in pre-performance stress but there's absolutely nothing productive I can do for you right now!" headache around that time. We ended up hitting the road a little early and showed up to a crowded bar for what proved to be an EXCELLENT show! I got to hear some war stories from Lee (about how bureaucracy = poop) and made a couple new friends from among the girls' fanbase. (I'm looking at you here, AngryVaginastareShuffle man!) Copious amounts of booze were drunk at the groupie table and a good time was had by all!

Saturday I was awoken by a smiling redhead with a cup of coffee. Hard to object to that kind of treatment, yanno? We had to run out so I could do last-minute gift shopping but ended up lining up a very sweet deal on a bunch of variations of Guitar Hero on PS2 and a couple guitars. Not the most romantical of gifts, I had been intending on getting white guitars like mine and drawing girl-themed stuff (foxes, pirate icons, etc) all over them but it turns out new guitars are very hard to come by for the old PS2 so I did my best with what was available. Steph's gift for me was all sappy and cute and stuff and I think she totally wins the present game, but now I get to play all the Guitar Hero I want when I get jealous of her rockstar status! We spent the evening in, ordering chinese food and watching anime! It was pretty much a dream come true as far as I'm concerned. Traditionally V-day is supposed to be the opposite of everything I'd like to be doing with my day, but this year it was like my ideal day anyway + romance.

Today we ate at the Cereal Bowl! A whole restaurant devoted to cereal! It was completely collegetacular (including a flock of whorish coeds in their "pajamas" plus $2k worth of jewelry and an hour's worth of makeup, seriously who thought up this look? are we supposed to play along and pretend you just rolled out of bed into mascara and jewels?) and I looooved it. After, we got a few chores taken care of and played some serious Guitar Hero. We came back my way in the afternoon and made some most excellent cheesy pasta and watched Muppet Treasure Island. Our mutual dorky cuteness knows no bounds! I am really very lucky to have found someone who completely shares my neurotic yet childish outlook on life, and I am really having the time of my life with her.

Also, got my MAME roms back from Jason! Viva la coin-op!

Everything I've posted here in the last month has been all work work work and ANYBODY who knows me knows that even at my most diligent and focused, I could easily be tagged with the moniker "lounge lizard." In an effort to provide fair and balanced coverage of my life, this evening I present you with a breakdown of my recent gaming endeavors and my related thoughts. I recommend a dry white wine, an aged Camembert, and a Richard Cheese vinyl as accompaniment.

Fable II
This game has easily been my most-played title since Christmas. I enjoy 3d adventure games but am often left with a feeling of "...and?" as the credits roll at the end. Fable really ties the adventuring life into the fantasy world with its system of economics and property management. For the first time I can recall, in-game money is not earned by riffling the pockets of the dead (including dead nonhumans, must we picture every fantasy hero slitting open the guts of every kill in best Greyhawk fashion?). Instead, it can be earned by performing various jobs, which offer increasing pay as their difficulty increases, as well as improving your character's reputation by demonstrating that in addition to being a violent mercenary, you are willing to contribute to the daily life of your town. Home ownership plays a role in the game as well, different homes providing either rent income or stat bonuses when you sleep in them. If you want to get very deeply into landlording, you can purchase upgraded furniture and customize a house. I found the options rather wanting as far as putting together a "look", but it is a handy system for allowing you to invest in your properties and sell them at a profit.
The game does feature plenty of monster-whacking but what kept me coming back rabidly was the slow devouring of every property on the map as pulse after pulse of rental income and shop profit gold was dumped directly into my coffers, including when you aren't playing the game. I love the idea of a hero having to spend a few days tending bar to finance his next big magic sword too, I think it adds a little poignancy to the standard "new town, new shops, buy new weapons, sell old weapons" formula.

Fallout III
If there was an award for Game of the Decade, I'd have to nominate Fallout 3. I have been a lover of the series since I was a kid playing the top-down PC games and being shocked and awed every time someone said "Shit" or paid for sex. The day I realized I could gun down a shopkeeper and scoop up his whole inventory will be with me until I die. I went into Fallout 3 with a lot of trepidation. After all, converting a game from turn-based top-down RPG to first person exploration shooter is a rather tall order. Adding to that, the game takes place in the ruins of DC, while the other series entries have taken place in and around California. We are basically talking about an entirely different civilization now. Both of these changes reeked of the publishers abusing a familiar title to push out a B-rate game with A-rate publicity.
SWEET GOD WAS I WRONG!
Fallout is one of the most visually beautiful games I have played. It portrays a blasted, apocalyptic landscape with a nigh-obsessive eye for detail. Wrecked houses have partial frames, on closer inspection there are splinters of wood and bits of appliance littering the ground around. There is none of the monotonous grey landscape present in some of the studio's earlier games such as Morrowind, nor the empty howling plotless wastes of Oblivion. The Fallout map contains 100 encounter areas and every single one contains something interesting. Some of the best ones have no connection to quests or plots. A mutant-infested teddy bear factory that has a hidden cache of drugs, or a decrepit car factory completely infested with a huge and unique species of mutant ant led by a gigantic ant queen tell their own little stories. This is a world gone wrong, plain and simple. I have never played a game that spent so much effort on immersing me in a fictional world. "But GTA IV!" you may cry, and I agree, immersion to the max. But GTAIV is just imitating the real New York City. Fallout is creating, and selling, the idea of a postwar DC Wasteland.
Gameplay is stellar, combat can be either shooter-style or RPG (I recommend the latter as ammo is somewhat scarce early on and the bad guys hit awfully hard later on). The main plot is somewhat brief (common to open-world RPGs) but very well-written and loaded with unique setpiece experiences. The sidequests are really the meat of the game, and there are dozens, plus a few "open quests" (kill evil people and collect their fingers for bounty, brainwash children and lead them to the slaver camp for cash, collect breakfast cereal to help zombies make crack, etc). My only complaint is that I hit the game's maximum level too quickly. While I can continue to gather money and equipment, I have all the most powerful gear in the game and my stats will not improve. To an extent, at this point, my explorations seem futile since I can no longer watch my character grow. However, I have more freedom to do things like shoot up a town wearing a nightgown and party hat, or take on Super Mutants with nothing but brass knuckles. This is a game that will stay fun as long as I want it to, and there are plenty of options to explore as an evil character if I get bored with my godlike powers.

A Kingdom For Keflings
This is a really random Live Arcade title that's been floating around for some time now. I heard a few reviews here and there but generally didn't pay it much mind. I idly watched a trailer for it earlier in the week and realized it was a Settlers (the PC series, not Of Catan) -style build sim. Interest piqued, I downloaded the demo. Ten minutes later I downloaded the full version. This is an excellent low-key, just plain fun building sim. You have to command little knee-high gnome dudes called Keflings to build themselves a city. As a giant-type guy, you are far more effective at tasks (chopping trees, hauling ore, etc) than the Keflings but you can only be in one place at a time. As you advance in the game and your production chains get more complicated (trees into the storehouse, stockpiles of lumber hauled into the sawmill, hewn planks hauled into the contractor's, plans stockpiles hauled to the woodcarver's, carved wood hauled to the magic shop, etc etc) you have to take more of a personal hand in managing your resources as there aren't enough workers to do everything for you. It plays a bit like Warcraft sans combat. You build your structures piece by piece and assemble them like legos. It sounds simplistic, and it is, but that doesn't stop it from being fun. It's the kind of game that you pretty much can't help but win if you play with patience, and I've always had a soft spot for those. Not every game needs to be Devil May Cry.

Chrono Trigger
A DS port of the PS1 remake of the classic, classic SNES RPG from Square. This is a masterful rendition of the game because it keeps all the graphical refinements and added animations from the PlayStation version but eliminates the crippling load times. The game can take advantage of the DS' dual-screened nature by placing all the menus and interface on the bottom screen, leaving the top free for map and combat graphics. However, for the purist faithful, you can also play with a 90% original control scheme in which the bottom screen only displays a fraction of combat information and there are no touch controls active. A rock-solid RPG with fun characters, an interesting plot, and twelve different endings, this is the perfect handheld game. It's easy to make it from one save point to the next in roughly ten minutes but things stay interesting enough to make it worth playing for hours on end. I would highly recommend this game to any RPG fan and/or DS owner.

Left 4 Dead
I can't say much about this game that hasn't been said elsewhere. A horror shooter that actually has decent controls and seems to be designed around providing a fun experience. A clever system that all but forces players to cooperate (and thus far a responsive online community) and a wicked AI that changes the stages every time you play. It stays scary, it stays challenging, and it stays fun. My only complaint is that the game only has four one hour long stages. I'm hoping, along with the fan community, that downloadable content is released soon featuring another stage or two (and maybe a couple bonus weapons or new enemies). This is an excellent buddy co-op game or a fun post-work online stress vent. I'm not sure how fresh in my mind it will be at this time next year but it's certainly justified the cover price and it's the first zombie game with the feel I've been looking for. Resident Evil games always feel like they're punishing me for playing, this one manages to keep the same low player health and scarce resources during key scenes while also offering frequent refills in between. The bottom line is the same, you can't kill them all, you just try to escape, but in Left 4 Dead I feel both more like a victim and more like a hero. In Resident Evil I often just feel like I'm trying to crawl into the Japanese developers' heads and figure out what they were thinking when they wrote a given stage.

Street Fighter IV and House of the Dead: Overkill are coming out soon and I have preorders on both. I'm excited for both of them, much more for Street Fighter. I actually bit the bullet and ordered a limited edition (and, according to reviews, amazingly high quality) arcade stick for Street Fighter. It actually works with all 360 games that don't need a second joystick, which includes all the fighting games (such as my own favorite, Soul Calibur 4) and most of the Live Arcade titles (TMNT 1989, Gauntlet, Castle Crashers, Golden Axe, etc). I'm really very excited to see some of my older games gain new life at the hands of a new input device. I got very attached to the arcade experience in college and was quite dismayed when Playland was shut down. It will be nice to bring that back into my life, and if it works out well I'll set my sights on a MAME arcade stick for my computer to play all my emulators on.

I've mostly been gaming in one or two hour spurts in the evening as a break between my cleaning projects and bed. Too much of my time is still being taken up by dorking around on the internet doing nothing, but I've definitely seen a decrease in that since I sold off so many games and thinned the fat on my collection. To my pleasure, I've often found myself pausing to get up and do something useful like clean up my car or organize a shelf of clothes before coming back to the game. I have a lot of time off as I wait for my security clearance and it's nice to watch myself spending it both on work and leisure.

My goal is to work on a wishlist for games to cut down on impulse buys. I plan on lowering my budget but not eliminating it entirely. However, I would like to focus it on games like Fable and Fallout that I wanted for a long time, tore into eagerly, and found utterly satisfying, more than the random crap I often bring home because "it looks fun." There's a Blockbuster for that, and many of them have demos online too. I want to get better about only collecting games I really want to play.

The latest big project in Operation: Clean Your Shit Up has been my PC.
I've had this desktop since college, early 2005 I believe. The final nail was already in my academic coffin when I got it so it's not like this computer + WoW = failure. It did provide a nice balm to the breakup with Michelle, however.
I hadn't updated my security software since then. I mean, I let it run automatic updates and all but eventually, providers get sick of you freeloading on them and they put out a new release which you have to pay for before they will update you again.
Now, it turns out my computer wasn't so poorly off. I found roughly a dozen infected files under initial deep scans, which isn't bad at all for an internet user's computer.
I managed to clear off about 60gb of hard drive space through a combination of cleanup utilities, deleting old games, and changing my software's space quotas (no more 22gb of old system restore points, etc).
I also removed a crapton of software that was running constantly in the background and slowing down my system. I found old Photoshop drivers, old versions of Java running four deep (four of the same thing, all out of date, all running where I couldn't find it without hardcore security software) and all kinds of shit clogging up my processor. It's no wonder my computer used to take 12 minutes to boot up! Now it's down to roughly 2.5 which isn't at all bad considering how much specialty hardware I have (fancy hardware needs fancy software which needs time to get up and running).
Somewhere in the process of optimizing my registry, I allowed a virus into my system. A seriously nasty one that immediately began offering false error messages disguised as my own antivirus software. I'm not sure what it was doing but within minutes I lost Trillian, AIM, and both Explorer and Firefox. The first time it hit me it even hard-shut down my system without warning! I was able to slip onto Firefox long enough to search it and learn a little. At Kurt's suggestion I booted up in safe mode and ran a system restore. I lost about two hours' work cleaning up my registry but since something I did in that process let the virus in, I'm not too worried about taking it back.
It was really upsetting! After spontaneously deciding to pour ten hours into cleaning and optimizing my system, I managed to blunder into the first serious virus I've had on this machine since I got it. It felt good to track it down and eliminate it, though.

This whole project has led me to have a much greater understanding of what's on my computer. I cleared out a lot of old games which I still have discs for should I change my mind. I got my Start Menu and Desktop all clean and organized. I even cracked the case and used canned air and a DustBuster to clear out piles of dust and dog hair. Got all the fans cleaned, q-tipped the axles where I could, tightened all the screws and put it all back together shiny and clean.

The only thing I can really think of now is tie-wrapping my cables together a little to help break up the general clutter behind the desk but everything is accessible now and nothing is lost or getting yanked out so it's mostly a mental thing. Generally speaking, the computer is about as clean and maintenanced (invented a word!) as it's going to get. It makes my soul happy.

Next project on the computer is to continue the work Steph and I have begun on my iTunes library. In college, I had a few friends dump entire external hard drives' worth of music onto my PC. I imported it all into iTunes without really looking at it. Here and there I also ended up with random fantasy music, Anime soundtracks, and all kinds of scary, unlabelled junk. We have begun a holy crusade since the arrival of my new iPod. Every single track is going to have proper information attached. Random shit I don't want has been getting deleted wholesale, almost 30% of the original collection is already gone. Most exciting for me as this is my first color iPod, we are also attaching cover art to every single track so I can play with all the sexy Apple graphical interfaces. Hopefully by roughly the end of the week I'll have a totally clean and civilized iTunes library at last. It's exciting since my iPod is big enough to hold my whole collection six times over. Once I know what I have, I can see about getting more from my dad's enormous (250gb) classic rock collection, Steph's collection, etc. I've found many instances already of having five or six versions of the same track, downloaded from different sources or slightly misspelled. Soon it will all be clean and perfect and it won't feel like throwing the dice every time I turn on iTunes.

Once the computer is finished, next mission is the top shelf of the closet. All the sweaters need to come down, get refolded, donated as needed, and then restored with better organization up there. I still have a basket and a full hamper of dirty stuff that needs put away and room is dwindling rapidly. I will probably end up packing a box to bring to Steph's in case of emergency. I hope she doesn't notice my plan to stealthily invade her storage space bit by bit.

Next up is cleaning out the midget closet. I know there's some cool toys in there I haven't really touched, and a whole big foot locker I should be able to clean out and use either for sweaters here or miscellany of mine at Steph's. I need to get rid of some of the random junk in there and get the boxes unpacked and sorted even if I end up repacking them. I'd like to end up filling that closet with things I don't plan on taking with me when I move, eventually. Less-favorite clothes and books, random memorabilia like my Boy Scout stuff, and other things that are worth saving but not worth carting around if I can steal closet space here.
As an alternate plan, I may use it as the holding area for things that I have no use for here like decorations or kitchen stuff. That way I could pack some of that stuff early and have it all boxed and ready to go, but also tucked out of sight. This plan is a ways down the road yet, plenty of work and play to happen before I'm that deep into the closets (careful addition of "s")

It remains encouraging and exciting getting my life all organized. I feel a little more peace inside with each bit I manage to bring into line.I found out the new job will be delayed thanks to the change in Presidents (they needs all the polygraph guys to grill new govt. employees so there's a delay on granting security clearances) but it shouldn't be more than a few weeks. Plenty of time to spend on these projects without giving up social behavior. I may need to beg an extra shift or two to supplement the modest income in the intervening weeks but a tax refund should help and we'll see.

This dream had more of a nightmare feel than previous

We are at a hotel. It feels like Relaxicon. I help Ken McGill and Kyle move chairs. I am hoping to corner Rolston and ask him about the secrets of Fallout 3 just in case he wrote it.
The US Army wants to have a recruitment session. We let them show us a presentation.
We are all sitting on a beach. This is party of the presentation; it doesn't feel real. We are drinking. I drink too much too early, things get fuzzy. There are bugs that appear. Little brown things like Half-Life headcrabs. They skitter between people who panic and start squishing them. Every squished bug leaves a glowing patch of goo like a phosphorescent paintball explosion.
Suddenly out at sea we become aware of unbelievably huge dark shapes. Great glowing yellow eyes and mouths open. The behemoths are drawn to the glowing patches of goo on the beach. Screaming people flee and leave trails for the monsters to follow.
A chubby girl I don't know grips my arm in fear. She sees I am drunk and gets excited, starts dragging me around in a proprietary way. I manage to escape.
I run into Jason and Kurt as we file back into the hotel. Kurt is wearing a top hat and calls me a chubby chaser, offers a high five for "hoggin it." Jason is shirtless, speculates on his chances of getting with Steph now that I am in trouble. I am confused, drunkenly protest that I did nothing.
We enter a movie theater where all our coats are piled on the seats like at a party. As we sort through the coats I see Steph. Just as I hug her, the fat girl shrieks and comes running over, yelling about how I lied to her and how we had something special. Steph runs away in tears.
I am chasing Steph down the hall of a girls' dormitory. The rooms like like Season 4 Buffy rooms. Girls keep slamming doors in my face as I ask after Steph.
I wake.

Almost everyone coins or uses expressions that make sense to only a few people. What word or phrase do you use most often that you have to explain the meaning of to others?

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This weekend we did a lot of work rearranging Steph's room. It's all totally moved around, and has gained her brother's old TV and my old XBOX since last time. There's certainly more of a "me" feel in there now which is cool since I spend about a third of my time there. Sort of a semi-dry run for cohabitating this summer. Steph managed to get rid of a whole lot of junk and condense her memorabilia significantly too, which was very cool. Obviously we both come with a TON of geeky junk so I think it's wise that the painful process of reducing the pile begin now, five months out from moving time.

As far as purely Pat-based progress, I have my new drawer and shelf assignments and have the bulk of my clothes reorganized. Taking a break at the moment to say hi to a few people online. Before I quit tonight I should have everything put away and roughly one more bag of donations sorted out. The most exciting bit of progress is the establishment of a work clothes shelf! I have personally tried on everything before putting it on there so no more "fuck my fat ass!!" moments while getting dressed for work in a hurry. I've been wanting to do that for almost a year, and I kind of did for a while but my shelves became a wretched jumble as my dresser was mostly full of things I didn't wear.

I got my new account paperwork! The amount contained within is pretty small and sad, but the point is that it exists. I LOVE the new savings tools, already feel like I'm making progress toward a security deposit. The goal saving/wish list system they use is TOTALLY cool and the best part is it's still checking, so if I need an emergency tow or something I can still tap into it. The online interface RUUUULES. I love being able to look at exactly where all my money is, and where I want it to go. The calendar also shows my paydays and I can add bill dates too. It will even warn me if, based on my usual spending habits, I'm likely to overdraw before my next payday! SOOO COOL! So helpful for a tard like me. I finally feel like I might be able to take control of my money and not just "meh" it all away, although I will probably have to stop funding parties and buying everyone's dinner so much. At least for a while ^_-.

Next up is the closet space. While I'm in there, I want to put all my board games together, all my RP books together, all my card games together, and all my books together. I want to clean up my crate o' office stuff and create a desk drawer instead. Basically just want to ride the momentum and get another heap o' crap transformed into an efficient space. I want to get all my actual in-use personal space/storage clean and neat before I start hauling out the packed-away apartment stuff and all. I'm hoping to have done all my closets, games, and books by Valentine's at the latest. Next up will be hauling out the old stuff, probably harder so I'm not setting a finish date for that.

The first seven (7) people to respond to this post will get something made by me.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year (2009).
- No requests-- it could be anything. It may be a mix CD. It may be a poem.
I may draw or paint something.
I might bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows?
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch is that if you don't re-post this offer, the bargain is void!

wandering the streets of a fanciful state college all done up like a bazaar, open storefronts and strangely dressed crowds but i knew it was state college
wandering down a side street into THE CITY, dark and gotham-y with clouds of steam coming from street vents. sound of marching boots. government gestapo coming. i duck inside my illegal squat apartment casually and sit on the big green couch.
the cast of rent is having a party next door. i idly hope their nose doesn't draw the gestapo. i am not too concerned.
the sun shines in brightly so i wander down the hall of the victorian mansion i am inside. the decor is beautiful but rotting, torn curtains and verdigris on the brasswork. commander riker, a fat old jonathon frakes commander riker, tackles me into an alcove and warns me to act like "one of them"
i put on my zombie face and shuffle down the hall, kicking up clouds of dust and dragging my red plastic rake. an old man with an enormous pumpkin growing into his head waits at the end of the hall, scrutinizing riker and i but apparently approving. we shuffle closer, riker springs into action and tackles the old man.
i am xander harris.
i snap the rake over my knee, holding a stout wooden pole with a sharp end. the giant pumpkin grows tentacles, throws me through a window. i fall in slow motion, beautiful stained glass raining down on me.
i am back in the room.
i rush at the pumpkin and stab the rake/stake into its mouth, up through its head. riker punches the old man a few times and holds him down while i stake him too.
i am wandering through a renaissance faire weapons stall. the weapons are all tawdry and plastic but the shopkeepers keep admonishing me not to break them. they have top hats, liverpool accents, grizzly stubble and yellow british teeth. they speak in unison. they try to sell me swords that break as i look at them.
i reach into my wallet and find only a gummy bear.

then i woke up.

I've been doing my best to follow through on my recent enthusiasm for advancing my station in life. Toward that end, I'm going to attempt to record my efforts here, which ought to both pressure me to keep performing and encourage me that I'm actually getting things done.

Life-improving accomplishments since last post:

1. Threw a most excellent party and did not leave the house a wreck after

2. Gathered one large bag of donations so far

3. Completely cleaned out mysterious refuse under bed and dresser

4. Pulled out 8 PSP games to be traded in in an effort to relieve both shelf clutter and time-sponging; other consoles soon to be on the chopping block

5. Emptied dresser completely, put two large bins of out-of-season clothes under the bed

6. Opened a PNC Virtual Wallet account alongside my current student plan. As the student account is shared (and partially being used by my parents at the moment) I will not be shutting it down, but I plan on switching to the new account for the bulk of my banking. It offers a very nice online view of things and has built-in goal tracking, gradual savings, and other things that will be very helpful in my efforts to make my money work for me instead of just melting away.

7. Faxed all completed hire paperwork to DCR (Lockheed's security contractor, my new employers) so the ball is once again in their court but we're looking at orientation and training by the end of the month.

Projects lined up for the near future:

1. Organize dresser and closet with some sense of logic; stop using laundry baskets as clean clothes storage! Especial focus on setting aside black cafe clothing in one spot to eliminate early morning panics when trying to get to work on time!

2. Set up direct deposit with B&N using new account once it's officially open and ready for use.

3. Using new account, begin budgeting toward moving out on 6/1/09 (rough tentative date but it feels more real than "summertime").

4. Perform one 30 min. workout on DDR before the weekend.

5. Set down, on paper, basic crib notes for current D&D adventure idea.

6. Weed through XBOX360 and Wii game collections for trade fodder.

Projects for later in this quarter:

1. Dig out all boxed apartment stuff, furniture, appliances, kitchenware, etc. from college and go through it for things to take when moving out. Re-pack with more space efficiency so as not to be a dick and take up my parents' whole cellar when I leave.

2. Examine school loan/parental loan options (which may change if I want to move out) and, once a stable work schedule exists, apply for school as a working professional.

3. Prepare a D&D 3.5e adventure to be played at this year's Relaxicon even if I don't end up running it. A total, complete, professional package, to see if I can really do it and what people think if I do.

4. Dig out all packed up books as well as all books on shelves. Eliminate old college books, put all books in the same series together, etc. Reconfigure display bookshelves with an eye towards what I actually want on display as opposed to what has simply fallen there. Give back borrowed books unearthed during this process.

5. Go through DVD collection and weed out things that were silly college impulse buys I no longer want (several bargain kung fu flicks come to mind, there's fun bad and then just bad bad), things I could just as happily leave here, and things that absolutely must follow me wherever I go. Sort them on the shelf so all my things are together and maybe even in some kind of order.

6. Gather all old video game systems, accessories, and games. Carefully sort, check functionality, and list all of them. Acquire sturdy storage (either rubbermaid bins of some kind or perhaps a modest foot locker) and carefully pack away each system in the same place as all its bits, with a list of contents on the outside. If it's a collection I might as well treat it as such, rather than several old duffel bags and cardboard boxes containing jumbled piles of tangly wires and discs hanging loose out of broken cases and avoiding scratches only because nobody ever touches them anyway.

7. By May, be able to confirm that I have laid eyes/hands on every item I own in this house and have determined that it is fit and useful to keep, and made a logical decision about where to keep it until I move, and then whether to leave it in storage here or bring it along. Potentially tailor birthday gift requests to family based on my findings (plz get me a microwave, or plz no more shirts, etc)

7. Have enough money set aside for a reasonable security deposit in case a housing opportunity arrives early.

I'm not being insane and trying to tackle this all at once or anything, but I do recall from my parents' previous attempts to indoctrinate me with the Franklin Method that it is very helpful to view one's goals from several removes. I'm hoping that by making things concrete and defining them here where I (and you) can see them, I will have an easier time of teaching myself to actively pursue them rather than consigning them to the nebulous land of "one of these days I'll do something about ___ (moving out, my job, college, the plague of walking dead). I will be quite happy if I get my clothes tidied up and put away nicely and drop off an armful of old games at the GameStop sometime this week, and then make a phone call to HR around Friday when I get my new debit card in the mail and set up direct deposit. I just don't want to get too bogged down in the details to remember the big picture, and I want a to-do list for when I get bored. I should have a lot of free time for a while during job flux, and while I'd like to use some of that to relax, and much of it will go to travel/Stephtime, there will still be room in there to work on this stuff and I'd like it to be a steady thing.

As usual, I'm on here way too late when I should be getting in bed to be ready for work tomorrow. However, I've recently experienced a Peter Gibbons (Office Space protagonist for all you pop-culture proles) -esque epiphany regarding my job. I've been taking it far more seriously than it deserved, especially since I'm far too smart to be able to convince myself that my conduct there is truly important. There is no reason to go to bed early and make sure I get eight hours' sleep to make myself "on top of my game." It's just coffee, after all.

I've been working there for two years today, and in that time I achieved very little of what I set out to do. I figured it would take roughly this long to recover from the damage college did and earn myself some confidence. I had hoped to put a little more money away, but boredom/life dissatisfaction is not known for breeding prudent spending habits in me. I did nail one online course and promptly flop another, but I had a lot in my life the last few months.

Since roughly September I just haven't been approaching my job with the same zeal. I started making a lot of changes in my life then, trying to escape the cage of familiarity and complacency I had built. I think spending more time with Crog and with the Gags' (younger set) new house coming along helped me see a more concrete vision of the future. I want to start moving toward some kind of future. It's just hard to look at the same rinky-dink, underpaid and overworked tasks with the same gusto knowing how much better there is out there.

I recently got handed a golden opportunity to get a part time job with Lockheed, they literally called me and said "send us a resume today and we've got you a job." It's nothing fancy, but it comes with government clearances and an employment history with a very reputable and exclusive company. No matter what I try to go into, this should help my resume substantially.

This was the perfect impetus to surrender my supervisory role at work and cut back my hours a little. This does mean a little less money is flowing in, but I'm working hard on curtailing my spending outside of necessities and social endeavors. The Lockheed job pays SIGNIFICANTLY better than my current gig so I'd rather have the hours free to pick up more work there.

I also need a little more free time in my life. I know a forty hour week isn't all that bad, really, especially with hour cuts trimming that down here and there. My job is a tough one, however, and I take it very seriously. Add to that the constant wrangling and traveling to get together with Steph and I end up often passing entire weeks where I feel like I don't really get to relax. I would fully understand a "that's life!" response here, but I feel like the one benefit I should enjoy from my so-called Lost Boys (Peter Pan, not Kiefer Sutherland) existence with all attendant shame and frustration is that it might as well be a little easier.

I've started tackling a variety of stupid projects over the last few weeks which I'd been putting off for ages. I began simply, cleaning up my hard drive, organizing my video game collection, retrieving and organizing all my roleplaying books. I'm starting to get more serious now, I cleared off my dresser from layers-deep junk, emptied it out entirely and winnowed out all the donation-worthy clothes and the ones that I want to keep but won't wear any time soon. I'm working towards having everything put away with some kind of deliberate Pat-logic behind it instead of simply leaving it where it lies or wherever my parents tossed it when they set up this room while I was at school.

The immediate goal of this is to have a space that feels peaceful and controlled and very much mine. I don't like occasionally feeling like a guest in my parents' house, and I don't like realizing how much random junk is out on display and how many truly important (or just geektacular) things are shoved in boxes somewhere in a closet. I want people who come over to get a real sense of me from my room, and I want it set up in a way that makes sense to me. I spend hours a week going that to the kitchen and storage at work, there's no reason I can't do it tenfold to my own things.

The ulterior motive here is that this process will give me a good opportunity to get rid of some of the random dead-wood junk that has been cluttering my things since college or even since the move from the old house. Also, to get a better idea of exactly what I have and where it is. Both of these tasks are fairly important in preparing to move out. I'm not quite at the stage of bringing home empty boxes from work or anything, but I am starting to try and wrap my brain around the idea. It's clear that this has been a safe place for me, and a place where I could recover from all the trouble with college, it's starting to stifle a little. I can be patient, but I feel a deep conviction that I do not want to spend forever here.

I've already started spending days at a time down at Steph's when I can. I feel more comfortable being in the home of someone who understands me than I do being in the upstairs parts of my parents' house. I want that feeling for my own, even if that place is shared. I want to walk into a place that is *my* home, and if that home has other occupants I want them to be of my choosing, and I want it to be because we like spending time together and not just because it lowers the rent.

For a long time I said I wasn't ready to move out and especially not in with someone else, and it was true. However, this year I've done a lot of thinking and I've finally started to feel an internal impetus to better my station in life. I've started making changes across the board, romantic, educational, professional, and even social (going to at least one social event a week and even throwing my own! zoiks!). I'm ready to change, still being Pat but a better version of Pat, one with less fear and more pride. To do that, I need to break new ground. I went for a job I didn't honestly think I had a hope for even when they offered it to me on a silver platter, and I braved the deep disappointment of a boss who truly cares about me and wants me to be his successor in order to surrender my authority simply to make myself more comfortable. I'm ready to start doing things because I want them, refusing things because I do not want them. I have no intention of giving up being a lovable, easygoing guy, but I am going to do so on my own terms.

Rough outline of future as I see it:

1. Start working at Lockheed, maybe 8-16 hours a week. That money goes 75% savings, 25% checking by direct deposit.

2. Seriously apply to a few area schools - West Chester, MontCo, Immaculata, Phoenix Ground Campus; apply either as a freshman and earn my way to transferring my PSU credit or apply as an adult night student and work my way in that way.

3. Hunt for a place to move to, preferably within the area. Ideally, a two-bedroom apartment with Stephanie assuming things are going well and it's within our price range and she finds work in the area. Otherwise, several friends are interested in rooming together or Jason still has the Buttonwood house to rent.

4. Do my best to pay expenses out of B&N wages and hoard Lockheed earnings; depending on how expensive school gets this plan may need to be modified but no matter what there will be at least a small percentage getting saved, maybe in one of those ING accounts or whatever Jason has that helps him save.

5. Put serious effort into writing games and gaming materials. I need to see if this is really the business I want to get into, and if so I need to build a portfolio. Several friends with contacts in the business should be able to help me at least know where to send my stuff, and/or tell me I haven't got what it takes to make it.

6. Complete a degree, hopefully in roughly a year depending on school availability.

7. Using some combination of writing portfolio, degree, and job experience, attempt to secure a desk job. Ideally, a stable 9-5 gig doing some manner of administration or data entry with a company, while doing game writing work on the side. I really want to see my name in print and hear about people playing games I've written but I'm not such a child as to think I could live off that income even if I was really damn good.

I want to work at a desk on a computer, using some combination of my brain, my computer skills, and my people skills. I also want to be actively pursuing my dreams of publishing original creative content and giving back to a hobby that's given me so much over the years. I want to be happily in love and settled in (with no great hurry towards marriage or children, but settled and stable nonetheless) with Steph (assuming she's kind enough to still be around then :P). I want a decent apartment where I am not subordinate to anyone living with me. I want to organize and arrange all my cool stuff in a way that makes it both appealing and easy to use. I want to spend more time playing video games than buying them, but also more time doing other things.

My life, it ain't so bad. Not by anyone's reckoning. Almost all of my stress is self-generated and almost all a result of either my attempts to please everyone, my setting unreasonable standards for myself, or my reaching for a very low standard and feeling unsatisfied and frustrated as a result. I'm ready to shed that stress and feel like I'm doing something with my time besides watching it go by. I'm ready for things to get better, my way.

I just spent a few days with my whole extended family. We all gathered in Arlington, VA to bury my great-uncle Bruce Robb, a naval Commander who was given a military burial with honors. It was a strange experience. The last time I saw a large group of the family together, I was only sixteen. Seeing things with adult eyes is a very strange experience. It's really amazing how big the family is, and how well they keep in touch. With the exception of the deceased, out of TEN of my grandfather's siblings, every one was in attendance, with almost every descendant down to my parents' generation. Obviously, there were only a few children along, but still. There were close to a hundred of us there. That is a LOT of people. Watching them interact was so strange! There was this amazing web of intrigue and Byzantine power plays going on the entire time, it was like watching a soap opera. The best part was, as an adult now, I was a player! People were buying me drinks and asking me what I knew about certain cousins or making sure to fill me in about others. It was deliciously, dirtily fun to finally be invited into all the intrigues.

That being said, it was also very impressive how tight the family is. While there may have been gossip and drama, there were several cousins in trouble who were being cared for by the family, and plenty who were held up and praised for their achievements. I got a few offers from wealthier aunts and uncles to help me finish paying for school, or to come live with them and get a change of scene while I finished on my own. It was very flattering and a very supportive feeling to be reminded how many people are out there who would take me in without a question just because of the blood in my veins. I usually focus on my Irish heritage and my father's name when I look at my history, but the fact is, on my mother's side I come from a large, powerful, tight-knit clan and I should keep that in mind when I feel like I'm struggling.

I have an excellent opportunity this weekend, my dad got me hotel and a ticket to the PSU vs. Michigan game tomorrow night at Beaver Stadium. We are having a very strong season, and Michigan is not. A win in this game will give us a very good shot at Nationals this year. It would be excellent football even if it wasn't a bitter rivalry game, and Homecoming weekend.

It will be the first time I've set foot in State College since I slunk home in disgrace in 06.

There are a lot of ghosts in that town for me. I spent five years there, trying and failing at college. A long time ago I spent another five there, infancy to kindergarten. Those streets are thick with memories, the unchanging nature of the town trapping them like flies in amber. Not all bad, not all bitter, but so many of them. So much of my growing up, my developing as a person, was hammered against the anvil of State College. I can't imagine what it will feel like to tread the uneven paves of Beaver Avenue again, feel the leaves crunch under my feet across the Liberal Arts College. These are places where things HAPPENED in my life, big things. Things I've hidden from for years. Am I ready for them?

I'm a happy person these days. I have a good enough job, reasonably solid living arrangement, a wonderful lady. I'm not poorly off. But... have I ever really come back from everything that happened in State College? All those midnight panicked runs through the empty streets? The tearful waits in the ER triage lounge while Anna got her morphine fixes? Hanging my head and sneaking past the door of my classroom once my friends were out of sight because I couldn't bear to show my face after all my absences and failures? I think I'm over it. I think I've grown up and learned a lot.

But I'm going to be breathing it again. That same mountain air, that same middle-of-nowhere Steven King feel. It really is its own little world up there.

And that world, for me, is haunted.

It will certainly be an interesting weekend.

When you see this, post in your own journal with your favorite quote from The Princess Bride (Preferably not "As you wish" or the Inigo Montoya speech.)

"Life IS pain, Highness. Anyone who says different is selling something."

hello save point my old friend,
it seems i've died here yet again
a few steps away from that treasure chest
i stumbled into that big monster nest
and the random encounter was very 8-bit oldschool
(nintendo's cruel!)
and now i feel
the load screen shame

another boss fight i have failed,
threw down controller and i wailed
how many hit points can a monster need?
this thing is jacked up on some crack or speed
i've never seen a damage number climb so very high
i hate this guy
and now i feel
the load screen shame

Autumn is in the air at last! I wore a jacket out the door for the first time in months yesterday. I'm very excited by the approach of fall. It is by far, hands down my favorite time of year. I get to wear all my favorite clothes for one :). (Baggy and warm looks good on chubby pale guys) I love the feel of the air, too. There's just this sense of potential, like something's going to happen. I know it's classically a time of endings, approach of winter and all. But for me it's always been about beginnings, the beginning of school, of play rehearsal, of marching band season, of Boy Scouts. Most of those activities are in my past now but the feeling remains. I just know I'll be shuffling around through dead leaves with my hands shoved down jacket pockets and happy as a clam within a few weeks! Halloween is also coming, which is always exciting. It looks like there will be plenty going on this year! I got a very exciting idea for a costume today but I'll need to consult some skilled costumers/makeup folks and determine just how feasible it is. All I'll say is that it's anime based.

I have my regrets and my sorrows, quite a few, but still. Fall is in the air... who can stay negative in the face of that?

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